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Friday, February 1, 2008

Hey Elmo, Monsters are pretty cute, right?

For the last few years, I've almost gotten used to the ongoing comments I hear daily from adults about Liz's size. I realize these statements will never end. And, they'll always bother me, but over time, I've made progress.

Some hurt more than others, and I've got some pretty quick witted low-key responses that are now rolling off my tongue when it comes to adults. I'll post about that later.

What's been much harder for me is handling children's comments. So far, the children aren't intending to be mean, they're simply making blunt and candid observations.

About a year ago, we were visiting friends in Indianapolis, when one of the neighbor girl's began calling Liz a monster.

I literally felt sick to my stomach and couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. I think my mouth was hanging open and not one word could come out for several minutes.

What was interesting, was the little girl, about 6 or so, didn't think that she was saying anything mean. She even went on to explain to me why she used the word, "monster" in her own way.

She said, "See, she's got a tiny body and a bigger head" like monsters.

That would have my moment to speak. Actually say real words. Really any words at all.

Perhaps, let her know that while Liz is little, calling her a monster probably isn't the nicest thing to say.

Trust me, nothing even crept out of my mouth. My mouth was still hanging open - completely speechless. Almost as though I'd forgotten how to speak.

Eventually, words came out, but they were mostly sarcastic, and a 6-year-old obviously doesn't understand that.

See, most of my practice has been with adults as I said. Sarcasm can work quite well with adults.

After I'd thought about that exchange with that little girl, I realized that while the word, "monster" conjured horrible thoughts in my mind, that's not what she was trying to say.

Kids her age and Liz's age spend their days watching Sesame Street where the heroes are Elmo, Zoe, Oscar the Grouch. These furry friends are all monsters who have larger heads and smaller bodies. They're all adorable.

This is how kids view monsters today. And, for that little girl to look at Liz and make the same comparison was actually fairly observant. Liz has a smaller body and a larger head. No, she's not red like Elmo, but I can see her comparison.

Obviously, in the future I hope I'll have the words to say something like: "Oh, I see why you might think Liz reminds you of one of your friends, like Elmo, but we don't want to call someone a monster."

Slowly, ever-so-slowly I'm hoping I'll be able to handle children's comments better. Just as I've improved with handling adults' comments.

The big hurdle is helping Liz understand what these comments mean and how to respond to them. That's becoming my biggest obstacle and perhaps will be my greatest challenge as her parent.

For the first time, earlier tonight Liz let me know that she understood things that people have said about her.

Liz's friends at preschool approach her as Liz. They all get excited when she arrives and give her hugs at the end of the day. Miss Janice said that early on, several of the children wanted to "help her" because they thought of her as a baby, but Miss Janice always says to them, "Did Liz ask for help? Does she need help?"

But, these children all realize that Liz is smaller, and they understand she has little legs and they've begun to comment on it. Again, it's perfectly natural for them to do so.

Earlier tonight, Liz was getting grumpy as it was time for bed. She started crying and said: "I have little legs and can't do things. That's what the kids at pre-school say."

It was the first time that she has realizeed and understood the comments that others have said. This was a difficult moment.

But this time, I wasn't completely speechless - just slightly stunned - and said: "Yes, you have smaller legs. The kids are right. You always will have smaller legs, but you can do anything that you want."

We then went on to talk about Matt & Amy Roloff, whom she watches regularly on TLC's "Little People, Big World." We talked about all of the things they do, and how she can do those things too, such as travel, have a career, etc..

Before I knew it, the subject had changed and it was time for Dr. Suess. That's fine with me. We'll have many many more opportunities and hopefully each time, it's just a tiny bit easier and less painful than the time before.

7 comments:

Tonya said...

I understand about the comments.
Even though Knoah is still a "baby" he has been around the kids at Jacob and Hannah's school and that statement gets made a lot about his head being big and his body being small. I usually respond with when asked why "God made him that way". Just like he made you with blue eyes, a brown hair, he made Knoah small. He has a big head because his brain is bigger which means he'll be smarter than you. When the kids are asked, more so Hannah because she is 1st grade, she gets defensive and tells them "My mommy wanted him that way and he's perfect!"

I can only imagine how frusterating it is for Liz being with her peers and comparing herself to them when being at home is "safe".

But to have kids compare her to a monster, well, I think it's time to educate the parents and stop the comments. Things like that can carry with children. Hannah is struggling because the kids ask her why her hair is curly and she should be white! I told Hannah that I love her curly hair and she's not white. She's brown and her mommy is brown. Mommy loves her just the way she is. She doesn't buy it, she still wants to be white. So I can see how trying to explain something to a child about their appearence and them accepting it is hard.

Liz is BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT!!Higs to mommy!!

Unknown said...

Sweet girl. Thank goodness for people like Miss Janice.
You're such a good mom, I know you and Liz will have an exceptionally good relationship as she gets older. Kisses to my favorite 3 1/2 year old ;).

Jennifer said...

Not sure why this post is making me so emotional. I'm sitting here with tears dripping down my cheeks. I just don't want Liz to have to deal with any "comments" she may get now or in the future. I just don't want there to ever be "comments" I guess but I know that there will be a lifetime of them. I think your approach is wise and will teach Liz to be a compassionate and caring person. Congrats on doing such a great job with her Lisa. Still crying.

The Johnson Family 5 said...

I'm so emotional right now! This really touched me. I had my very first comment about Cole. Tonight a little 3 year old was at my house and he commented on how Cole's head was big. We just responded that he has a big brain and left it at that joking. I haven't had to deal with adults comments and I really don't know how I'm going to. I'm teary eyed just reading about Liz and the kids and adults making comments to her. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine why an adult would EVER make a comment. What nerve these people must have. Liz is a cutie and she can do whatever she wants!

jbyrdie said...

That's too bad about the comment. Kids can say such mean things and not know. I think you handled the situation well Lisa.

Lisa said...

Tonya, Thanks for your comments. I can only imagine that having older children has helped to prepare you when Knoah gets older. I like your response about the big head too. We're keeping Knoah in our thoughts and prayers too.

Emily, Thanks for your comments & congrats on Med. school again.

Jennifer, you're right. I wish Liz and all kids didn't have to hear these comments.

Katie, Sounds like you handled that situation perfectly! Great job!

Jenn, Thanks for your support!

... said...

This post just tugged at my heartstrings. Kids are so honest & unflinching and yet that can incredibly brutal sometimes. It made me think of how Joel and I will handle this all with Hope one day. I don't want to think about it. I'm still working on how to handle adults!

I'm so glad there are shows like "Little People, Big World" to encourage a little more sensitivity and educate people.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing!